


its hard and nobody understands - karkat's perspective

by skeIeton



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Bulimia, Comedy, Eating Disorders, F/M, Humanstuck, M/M, Schoolstuck, Suicide, but also angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-08
Updated: 2018-03-08
Packaged: 2019-03-28 17:37:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13908924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skeIeton/pseuds/skeIeton
Summary: Karkat Vantas is 16, and after losing his boyfriend and nearly losing himself, he just wants everything to be normal so he can recover. But being the main character of a high school drama story always has its downsides, and he knows nothing will play out the way he wants it to.





	1. Chapter 1

    It'd all happened so quickly, I can barely recall how it'd happened. It just felt like one minute, my morning was going as usual: get up, have breakfast, the usual - and the next, he was laying limp in my arms, barely clinging onto his life. Thick blood poured from the cuts along his wrist, neck and ribs, onto the hardwood floor below. He was fading in and out of consciousness, only kept awake by me practically yelling at him. "Don't fall asleep, just hold on! I'm getting help, okay?"

  
    He didn't say a word, just staring up at me with wide, terrified eyes as he choked up another handful or so of blood. It was probably a lot less than it looked, but it was fucking scary. He kept _wriggling_ , trying to grab hold of me, as if he was cold. Which he was. He'd bury his face into my sweater and whimper occasionally, causing more blood. It made it difficult to call the paramedics, but I knew it wouldn't do much. After all, his house was in the middle of nowhere, out by the sea. It would take forever for someone to show up.

  
    For the time being, I wrapped up any wounds with towels and held him tight in my arms, trying desperately to comfort him and keep him awake - alive. I should've known it'd be no use. Of course. Just my luck. He was gone, gone forever, and I'd be bullshitting you if I said that I didn't blame it on myself. Hell, I still do. In hindsight, there's so much I could've done to help him, and I didn't do any of it. It was all just so quick-paced, I guess I just didn't have time to react properly. So I became known as the kid who failed to save his suicidal boyfriend, and the rest was history, forgotten about in less than a month. As most tragedies at my school are.


	2. Chapter 2

    But that takes us to where we are today: Skaia Hill High School. If I didn't tell you that it was named after the town it's located in, you'd think its name was chosen by an edgy twelve-year-old trying to be unique. But, alas, it's just a weird, fucked up "English-and-Art College" (as the school puts it) that originated in an equally weird, fucked up town.

  
    You know, I don't think I've ever held more resentment towards something than I have for Skaia, which really is saying something. Everything is divided; you have the spoiled, rich preps out by the sea, the middle-class kids in the suburbs (if they can even be CALLED that) and the poor kids like me, who get the shitty end of the stick and live in what can only be described as a decorated shack. It's like throwing a bow onto a disgusting cardboard box and saying it's a "wrapped gift". No it's not, it's just Aunt Mavis being a lazy bitch again and Uncle Roger not knowing how to tape some paper to a box.

  
    But I digress. Due to everyone being so split up, of course bullying runs rampant at school, and the corrupt headmaster has done jack all to stop it. Wait, no, scratch that. I asked Jack All, and he confirmed that he wasn't the one to knock her up, and that he's never had sex with her. So she hasn't done Jack All, she's done nothing, because she's equally as lazy as that Aunt Mavis lady I mentioned.

  
    "Another term, another tragedy" is the student-made slogan for the school. If something shitty happens, you don't really have time to mourn, because something one hundred times worse has likely taken its place. And, truly, that's the worst part of it all - no one taking your hurt seriously. The mental health of students is swept under the rug, concern being focused more on threats from outside forces. Time is wasted interrogating innocent kids about their personal lives in hopes it could solve one of the many mysteries that plague our school, but really, it does nothing but make everyone feel worthless, and slowly kill off more and more people.

  
    Even now, there's people talking about the most recent death as I walk through the overcrowded halls: Rufioh Nitram. I don't know him at all, and I never did, just a friend of a friend, but admittedly, it still stings to know another person is gone. I'm sure you can understand why.

  
    "Karkat!" An irritating, high-pitched voice calls from behind me.

  
    "What?"

  
    Nepeta, the annoying autistic girl in my maths class, bounds up to me, holding me by the arm. "I thought we were going to lunch together?"

  
    Shit, I forgot about that. Well now that she's remembered, I have to go. I sigh and nod, slowly trying to edge my way to the cantine. I just want to eat. "Yeah, yeah, that's still happening. Come on then."

  
    She skips along beside me, talking about her cat and the dead animals she brought home. Something about it is creepy; how she's donned such a chipper smile while talking about her hellbeast of a pet murdering other creatures. But I deal with it, besides the odd snarky remark - or, frequent snarky remark. Nonetheless, she's still my friend, and I try my best to listen to her without being an asshole for at least five seconds.

  
    Here's the thing: she likes me, I know she does. She's liked me for a long time, and as flattering as that is, I seriously don't deserve anyone to love me after the way I reacted in my last relationship. I don't even know if I'm comfortable getting back into a relationship anyway. It's been so long, but I just can't seem to push him out of my mind. I don't want to lose anyone else the way I lost him.

  
    Nepeta surprisingly doesn't notice that I've been ignoring her for the past few minutes as I snap out of my daydream, accidentally wandering into a door. She laughs, then pulls me back to see if I'm alright. It feels like my nose is broken.

  
    "A bit red, but you'll be fine," she says, pinching my nose. I swat her hand away. "If it gets worse, we can go to the nurse! Or I can get Kanaya to chop it off for you."  
    "Yeah, don't do that," I grumble in response. She suddenly goes quiet, and I feel like I've made her feel guilty. I'm not in the mood to deal with emotions, so for some stupid reason, I brush it off and keep walking... Only to get stopped by yet another equally infuriating friend. "God, what do you want?"

  
    "Dude, chill out, it'th jutht me," the red-and-blue glasses-wearing kid says. It's my best friend, Sollux, who's actually a pretty chill guy. He has a lisp, and it's an obvious one. He hates it, and I know because he tells me basically every day. The way he speaks is nasal, and makes him sound permanently disgruntled. A bit like me, only I yell everything because I genuinely am angry all the time. He isn't all of the time. Just most.

  
    "Yes, I know it's just you." I cross my arms. "And I'm sort of disappointed because for once, I actually want to eat, and you're actively preventing me from doing so."

  
    "Yeah, yeah, whatever," he replies, rolling his eyes, "I wath going to athk you about that. Y'know, if you're still thtarving yourthelf like a retard."

  
    "I'm trying not to, but you're contributing to the issue by blocking my path. So please do one of two things: come with me and Nepeta to lunch, or fuck off. I seriously need to work on this and you're just giving me more reasons not to eat."

  
    "Uh... Yeah, can I?" Sollux asks. Not what I was expecting. I reluctantly say 'yes' and let him follow us, and we become a Teenager Train chugging towards Nutrition Station. Another passenger joins, and I look behind me to see... Terezi. Fuck.

  
    I slow the Train to a stop, causing a domino effect of Nepeta bumping into me, Sollux bumping into Nepeta and Terezi bumping into Sollux. "So Terezi's joining us too now, are you serious? I didn't realise this was a fucking get-together."

  
    "Oh, mellow out Kar! We're just having a bit of fun," Terezi cackles. I feel a chill go down my spine and snap, "Don't call me 'Kar', you know I don't like it."

  
    "Sorry." She isn't.

  
    I walk to the cantine in silence, while my friends follow me, yelling stupid shit like "choo choo!" and "all aboard the lunch train!" and it drives me up the fucking wall. But I deal with it and push on, just looking forward to being able to stuff my face again with all that unhealthy noise they serve at schools.


End file.
